honest scrap

Okay Jessica, I accept the challenge. I have to write 10 honest things about myself and then challenge 4 others to do the same. Here goes:

(1) Being smart is important to me. I have never felt like I have anything else. I am not really very pretty or nice or creative. It was my whole identity for a long time. Law school destroyed that for me. I found out that I wasn't as smart as I had thought. I am still struggling to redefine myself.

(2) I know an awful lot about polygamy, but not from personal experience. For some reason I have worked on a lot of cases related to polygamy during my short legal career. Seriously, ask me anything different groups that practice polygamy, the reasons why, etc.

(3) I don't think I am a very good mom. I thought that I was pretty decent at it when I just had Porter. Lately though, I find myself losing patience too often, getting annoyed too easily, yelling too much, etc. Everyday I swear to be better and end up disappointing myself.

(4) I majored in history in college. I had a weird obession with Asian history. My mom thought I was destined to married an Asian man or something because of this excessive interest. I was especially interested in recent Chinese history, including the creation of Taiwan. When Deng Xioping died, I was very hopeful that it would lead to the fall of communism there. It didn't. I have lost some of my obession (luckily, who can sustain that level of interest in one thing for very long?), but I would still really like to go to China one day.

(5) Politics are facsinating to me, but I feel like I don't have a handle on things like I should. On some stuff, I am just underinformed. On other things, I really don't know what the best choice is. It seems like some of is just guessing about what will yield the best result but there is no way to know if things will actually work. That said, I sometimes think that I will one day run for some elected office. When I was teenager, I dreamed of growing up to be president. I know that won't happen, but maybe city council or something.

(6) I swear too much. I have really tried not to do it in front of my kids and I mostly succeed at it. I go through cycles where I work really hard on stopping and ultimately do for a while but then I slip up and start again. Part of my problem is that there is a part of me that thinks this is a valid way of expressing myself. I think that certain words that express my anger, etc. better than anything else. I realize this is a rationalization and, in some ways, me sort of loving my sin. I will work on trying to change my attitude.

(7) I am not good at making friends. I feel like I have a number of good friends, but I don't think it is because of my efforts. I think that Heavenly Father knew about my shyness and reluctance to try to meet new people so he put me in situations where I had to interact with people. My best friends are my college roommates (whom I was compelled to get to know because we lived together), people from lawschool (whom I was again compelled to get to know because we basically lived together for three years), people from Lagoon (again, compelled closeness because of working together so much) and people in the cubicles by me at work (same story). I am really terrible at scheduling time to get together with people, talking with people I don't know, etc. (Once my friend/co-worked Nicole and I went to a function at the federal court. Aside from a couple of cursory, "nice to meet yous," we didn't talk to anyone except each other. During the refreshment portion, when we were supposed to mingle, Nicole and I hid around the corner from the hallway where everyone was mingling. At one point, I went back for more dip (which I though was quiche or something) and I caught her peeking around the corner, watching for me to come back. If she had gone for more dip, I know I would have been the one anxiously waiting for her to come back. This is generally how I operate).

8. I am slobby. I really am terrible at keeping things clean. My dad was forever lecturing me about the state of room, my desk, etc. As an adult, I still seem to accumulate clutter. When I worked at the Attorney General's office, one of the other clerks would secretly clean my desk when I wasn't there. I blamed the custodial staff for moving my stuff around until he confessed it was him. My desk at work is still always a mess. I think I am incapable of keeping things clean. The weird thing is, I am not grateful when other people clean up for me. If Joe does house work (which he does all the time because he doesn't like to live amid clutter), I view it as a recrimination and then I worry that I won't be able to find things or that he has thrown things away that I need. I will probably turn into a hoarder when I am older. Ugh.

9. My dad died when I was 14. I don't really dwell on it anymore, but it certainly affects me still. I often find myself missing him. My most common recurring fantasy is that my dad is alive and we meet during our lunch breaks periodically. I can tell him about the boys, my job, etc. I try to imagine what he would look like now, what advice he would give me, even where we go to eat. Because of him, my biggest fear is dying young and leaving my kids without a mom. I can keep myself up at night thinking about it.

10. I am a high-stress person. This should come as a surprise to no one. I am always worrying about something, feeling overwhelmed by something, etc. I have tried to pare this down and take things in stride as I get older. I always think that I am making great strides in seeming relaxed but I may be fooling myself because no one else has picked up on my new "chill" personality. I will probably always be a glass-half-empty kind of person.

Okay, now I have to pick 4 people to participate in this. It is hard decision (since I have to pick 4 people who will read this who haven't already done it). I pick, Sage (Sage the Rage), Karen (the Potato Lovers), Michelle (reedwondertwins), and April (northwoods Susas). Can I pick honorable mentions too? If I could, I would pick Erin Montague, Emily Montague and Cyndi Wren (though you have been baring your soul so much, you shouldn't have to do this too. Seriously, I recommend Cyndi's blog to everyone).