when you are dead

I'm sure every family has little night time traditions, things they say to each other, etc. We have unwittingly fallen into one of our own. Every night, before they go to bed, my boys tell me how much they will miss me when I am dead. They mean it very sincerely and often discuss when I will die, if they can die with me, how much they don't want me to die, etc. Sometimes, one of them will even start to cry thinking about it. My death and dad's death have been a topic of concern for Porter for quite a while and I don't know why. Except for a dead cat, he has not really been exposed to death and it is certainly not something Joe or I bring up with them. Dallin has now joined in Porter's worries. Frankly, I am starting to get a complex about this, like they are expecting me to die soon. It is nice to be loved but I geez, wish they could be a little more upbeat about the whole thing.

dad

Today is the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It was 17 years ago. I miss him still. There came a time a little more than 2 years ago when I realized that I had now lived more of my life without him than I had lived with him. I realize now that is not entirely true. Though he is not on this earth, I have never been without his influence or his love. I am grateful for that.

puzzle

Last night Dallin put together his first real puzzle. He has done those little board puzzles before but never something this difficult. He was so proud of himself. After he was done, he went running around the house looking for everyone to show us the puzzle. He kept saying, "I did such a good job. I did it all by myself." He made us all promise not to break his puzzle. Later, as he was sitting on the couch, he said to Joe, "I am just lookin' at my puzzle." Then he decided we should take a picture of it. He took this picture of his puzzle

Then he wanted to take pictures of his family

(this is Joe)

(this is Porter)

Dallin also colored me a picture yesterday yesterday with his glitter glue. We were home because Porter was sick (when I would give him tylenol for his throat pain, Porter would say that the medicine was going to wash away the sick). I went to check on Dallin and he was at the kitchen table making me a picture. He said, "I am workin' so hard on your picture mom." It is a picture of a glitter squid.

Also yesterday, I got grumpy with the boys for a while. Even though Porter was sick, he wasn't too sick to fight with Dallin and I think Dallin was bored because he kept purposely instigating stuff with Porter. Porter asked me if I was mad (he does that now) and who I was most mad at. Even though they had been naughty, when I thought about it, I realized that I wasn't really that upset with them, I was mostly upset about something work related and I was letting it get me angry about everything. I am not good at compartmentalizing and not taking out my frustrations on people who don't deserve it. I will try to work on that.

trades

Today, in the car, Dallin was playing with some stupid little toy. I think it was a little motorcycle. Porter saw it and wanted it for himself. He tried to arrange a trade, but he didn't have anything with him so he told Dallin that he would trade his Batman cave for the motorcycle. It would not have been a fair trade. It reminded me of Jacob and Esau, when Esau traded his birthright (something very valuable) for a bowl of pottage (something much less valuable). How often do we (me included) do the same thing; seek instant gratification and place our immediate desires above our most precious things? Some of it must come from from simple ignorance about the value of these important things. Some of it, however, has to be chalked up to a willful decision to forgo the thing(s) that will bring us the greatest joy for the thing(s) that will bring us satisfaction right now. I was also thinking about how important some of these decisions turn out to be (not the Batcave for the motorcycle. Its lasting consequences would be minimal, especially since they both would have forgotten the trade by tomorrow). Obviously, the consequences of Jacob obtaining the birthright were monumental and lasting. The scriptures have a number of similar examples, Judas traded Jesus' life (and Judas' own chance for salvation) for a bag of silver; Lot's wife traded her life for a look at Sodom and Gomorrah, even Lucifer traded his chance to come to earth, obtain a body, and possibly receive exaltation for his pride and anger (his belief that his plan was best and that if he couldn't do things his way, he wouldn't do them all). Most of these things weren't gradual trades but a moment in time that changed everything. How many of them would take back their decision now that they have perspective on what they did?

Okay, that's my deep thought for now, on to more regular things. I took the boys to the pool today. They have been asking to go for a while. It is a small pool and there is not much to do. I spent most of my time sitting on some kind of faucet that dispenses warm water while Porter and Dallin "swam" (for them, swimming is mostly walking. They never go in water over their heads). After swimming, we went for pizza (Dallin had garlic cheese breadsticks) and went to the dollar theater to see The Princess and the Frog. Something broke in the middle of the movie and we ended up waiting for about 45 minutes for it to get fixed. Dallin and Porter spent the time running up and down the aisles with all the other kids who were waiting. All in all, a good day, especially since Pooh didn't pee on anything in the house.

big news (but not that big)

Well, many of you may remember the bike saga of this summer, where Joe tried to coax, cajole, bribe, threaten, beg, etc. Porter to ride his bike without training wheels. All of his efforts were not successful (and I was secretly proud of Porter for holding his ground). As of Friday, the fight is no more. Porter willingly agreed that Joe would remove his training wheels (Joe did promise Porter a pair of biking gloves if he would ride withoug training wheels though). When I got home from work, Porter was riding his bike around without assistance. Joe said that he hadn't had to help Porter at all. Joe just took off the training wheels and Porter was off. Dallin thinks his training wheels should come off now too though. Unfortunately, Dallin is not ready to ride without training wheels. He still thinks he can move by wiggling his handle bars without peddling (it makes for very long and frustrating bike rides, let me tell you).

Poohball peed on our bed this morning. We had our unfolded laundry on the bed so it got cat pee on it too. Hooray. I started washing everything this morning before I left for work and Joe continued it tonight after he got home. Pooh is not in my good graces tonight. In fact, she is lucky I couldn't find when I found the pee or she might have been hucked into the wall. She is lucky she is still allowed in the house. I'm not sure if the mattress will come completely clean. Luckily it is on Joe's side of the bed :)

Casanova

Dallin has become my little boyfriend. He tells me at least once a week that I am his girlfriend and then he tells me that he wants kisses. I am afraid that he is going to be a problem when he gets older. Luckily, I am the only objection of his affection so far. Porter is the opposite. He doesn't really like to be hugged or kissed (actually, that may not be true, he just doesn't like to initiate such things and he doesn't like to let us know that he wants to be loved). He is loving in other ways. He paints yellow pictures for me because he knows that yellow is my favorite color and he shares his toys with Joe because he thinks that Joe would like them too.

Today was the boys' Valentine's Day party at daycare. Dallin has been asking for days if it is "my Valentine's Day" yet. They were very excited. Dallin was thrilled with everything he got, especially the Toy Story pencil that came with one kid's Valentines. Porter's class apparently went on a tour of a grocery store this afternoon. Porter said they got to eat bread and chicken without even paying for it and it was so good. The lady at the store showed them "everything, the cheese, lettuce, everything."

honest scrap

Okay Jessica, I accept the challenge. I have to write 10 honest things about myself and then challenge 4 others to do the same. Here goes:

(1) Being smart is important to me. I have never felt like I have anything else. I am not really very pretty or nice or creative. It was my whole identity for a long time. Law school destroyed that for me. I found out that I wasn't as smart as I had thought. I am still struggling to redefine myself.

(2) I know an awful lot about polygamy, but not from personal experience. For some reason I have worked on a lot of cases related to polygamy during my short legal career. Seriously, ask me anything different groups that practice polygamy, the reasons why, etc.

(3) I don't think I am a very good mom. I thought that I was pretty decent at it when I just had Porter. Lately though, I find myself losing patience too often, getting annoyed too easily, yelling too much, etc. Everyday I swear to be better and end up disappointing myself.

(4) I majored in history in college. I had a weird obession with Asian history. My mom thought I was destined to married an Asian man or something because of this excessive interest. I was especially interested in recent Chinese history, including the creation of Taiwan. When Deng Xioping died, I was very hopeful that it would lead to the fall of communism there. It didn't. I have lost some of my obession (luckily, who can sustain that level of interest in one thing for very long?), but I would still really like to go to China one day.

(5) Politics are facsinating to me, but I feel like I don't have a handle on things like I should. On some stuff, I am just underinformed. On other things, I really don't know what the best choice is. It seems like some of is just guessing about what will yield the best result but there is no way to know if things will actually work. That said, I sometimes think that I will one day run for some elected office. When I was teenager, I dreamed of growing up to be president. I know that won't happen, but maybe city council or something.

(6) I swear too much. I have really tried not to do it in front of my kids and I mostly succeed at it. I go through cycles where I work really hard on stopping and ultimately do for a while but then I slip up and start again. Part of my problem is that there is a part of me that thinks this is a valid way of expressing myself. I think that certain words that express my anger, etc. better than anything else. I realize this is a rationalization and, in some ways, me sort of loving my sin. I will work on trying to change my attitude.

(7) I am not good at making friends. I feel like I have a number of good friends, but I don't think it is because of my efforts. I think that Heavenly Father knew about my shyness and reluctance to try to meet new people so he put me in situations where I had to interact with people. My best friends are my college roommates (whom I was compelled to get to know because we lived together), people from lawschool (whom I was again compelled to get to know because we basically lived together for three years), people from Lagoon (again, compelled closeness because of working together so much) and people in the cubicles by me at work (same story). I am really terrible at scheduling time to get together with people, talking with people I don't know, etc. (Once my friend/co-worked Nicole and I went to a function at the federal court. Aside from a couple of cursory, "nice to meet yous," we didn't talk to anyone except each other. During the refreshment portion, when we were supposed to mingle, Nicole and I hid around the corner from the hallway where everyone was mingling. At one point, I went back for more dip (which I though was quiche or something) and I caught her peeking around the corner, watching for me to come back. If she had gone for more dip, I know I would have been the one anxiously waiting for her to come back. This is generally how I operate).

8. I am slobby. I really am terrible at keeping things clean. My dad was forever lecturing me about the state of room, my desk, etc. As an adult, I still seem to accumulate clutter. When I worked at the Attorney General's office, one of the other clerks would secretly clean my desk when I wasn't there. I blamed the custodial staff for moving my stuff around until he confessed it was him. My desk at work is still always a mess. I think I am incapable of keeping things clean. The weird thing is, I am not grateful when other people clean up for me. If Joe does house work (which he does all the time because he doesn't like to live amid clutter), I view it as a recrimination and then I worry that I won't be able to find things or that he has thrown things away that I need. I will probably turn into a hoarder when I am older. Ugh.

9. My dad died when I was 14. I don't really dwell on it anymore, but it certainly affects me still. I often find myself missing him. My most common recurring fantasy is that my dad is alive and we meet during our lunch breaks periodically. I can tell him about the boys, my job, etc. I try to imagine what he would look like now, what advice he would give me, even where we go to eat. Because of him, my biggest fear is dying young and leaving my kids without a mom. I can keep myself up at night thinking about it.

10. I am a high-stress person. This should come as a surprise to no one. I am always worrying about something, feeling overwhelmed by something, etc. I have tried to pare this down and take things in stride as I get older. I always think that I am making great strides in seeming relaxed but I may be fooling myself because no one else has picked up on my new "chill" personality. I will probably always be a glass-half-empty kind of person.

Okay, now I have to pick 4 people to participate in this. It is hard decision (since I have to pick 4 people who will read this who haven't already done it). I pick, Sage (Sage the Rage), Karen (the Potato Lovers), Michelle (reedwondertwins), and April (northwoods Susas). Can I pick honorable mentions too? If I could, I would pick Erin Montague, Emily Montague and Cyndi Wren (though you have been baring your soul so much, you shouldn't have to do this too. Seriously, I recommend Cyndi's blog to everyone).

lucky day

Today Porter's wart started to fall off. He told me it must just be his lucky day. I asked him what else was lucky about today. He said it was that his school stuff wasn't scary. (He had gone for his assessment today. At first, he didn't even want to go with the lady and had to be coaxed. When he came back though, he said he wanted to talk to that lady every day. She was very nice. I asked what she had talked to him about. He said, "just rhyming, like rain and train." He said she asked him his name and if he had gone to preschool. He told her that he hadn't been to any preschool. I guess he forgot about all the preschool he does at daycare). Porter has a friend over right now. Dallin is desperate to be included. He put on his Wolverine costume in the hopes of impressing the friend. So far, Porter is making sure that Dallin gets shunned though. It must be hard to be a little brother. I guess I will have to start having friends over for Dallin too.

On a whole other note, Porter surprised me in the car by just saying, out of the blue, "I'm glad we get to choose things. If we followed Satan we wouldn't get to choose. He would just make us eat whatever he wanted for dinner." Then he asked why Heavenly Father would let Satan do that. I said Heavenly Father didn't want Satan to be bad but Satan was Heavenly Father's son and he chose to be bad. Porter said, "like Scar on Lion King because Scar is Mufasa's brother and Mufasa is good and Scar is bad. Scar wanted everyone to follow him." (Then there was some more Lion King plot discussion). At the end, Porter said he didn't understand why anyone would follow Satan. It wouldn't be fun. I was so impressed with how much he understood. Too bad these moments are few and far between.

trash talker

Porter has started talking like someone from a video game or a movie. Before starting a wrestling match with Dallin, Porter will yell, "say your prayers Dallin" or "you wanna piece of me?" He also tells Dallin to "lock and load" before they go witch hunting (which they do all the time. Dallin firmly believes that witches are all around us and he and Porter have to go hunt them down. At daycare, Dallin's hunting partner is Koen).
Tonight Joe told Porter and Dallin that he would get them each a new toy if they slept on their own for two weeks. Sleeping on their own means that they can't come in and get me in the middle of the night. Porter was all psyched up to try until he realized that Joe hadn't said two days. He had said two weeks. Porter doesn't think he and Dallin can do it now. It will be too hard. At this point, I actually sleep better on the boys' floor then I do in a bed. I am so used to sleeping on the floor.

Do you ever stop doing something for a while and then fall out of the habit? That is what happened lately with the blog. Though I have had a computer for about a week now and internet access for just as long, I haven't been able to think of anything to write about. For the weeks when I couldn't write, I could think of things to say almost daily. The boys would say something funny or cute and I would wish I could write it down (Joe suggested pen and paper, but that seemed like too great of a hassle). But once I had the ability to blog again, I was at a total loss for what to write about. I don't think I have gotten over my writer's block, but oh well. (This same thing happens to me with scripture reading. If I miss more than a day, it is hard for me to find the motivation to start back up again).
Today, I took Porter to register him for school. Porter does not want to go to school yet. Dallin does. I told Porter they might want to talk to him for a minute alone to make sure he knows enough to go to school. He said "I don't." Joe and I tried to remind him of all the things he can do, like spell his name and count and listen to directions, but he is sure that he doesn't belong in kindergarten because he can't read yet. Dallin, on the other hand, tried to pack his "packpack" and kept asking if he was going to come too. He would like his friend Koen to come too. I hope Porter doesn't get so nervous during his kindergarten assessment that he refuses to talk to the teacher or anything.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of the things that I was going to write about in the past couple of weeks:
(1) Dallin kicked Porter one the night and told me that his foot did it. The next morning he woke up and promptly punched Porter in the nose, making Porter bleed. Porter was screaming and I asked Dallin why he had done that. He said it was his Wolverine claws. He told me we had forgotten to nip them. Later that day, Dallin punched Porter in the stomach. Dallin is becoming a bully.
(2) last night Porter wanted to something to eat while he was in bed. I told him it was too late. He kept begging and I kept saying no. Finally he started to cry and said, "parents are supposed to feed their kids when they are hungry." I felt bad then and brought him a piece of cheese.
(3) Because I have to lay on the boys' floor for them to fall asleep, I am always in their room at night. It is not enough for me to be on the floor anymore, Dallin needs more. He has very specific patting and rubbing needs. He will tell me that he wants me to pat him "in the middle" first and then rub his face and then his back. He also needs me to arrange his blankie so that he corner he likes to rub and chew on is in his right hand. One night he also wanted me to hold his hand. When I held it, instead of him holding one of my fingers like he usually does, he held my whole hand. I made me feel like he is not such a little boy anymore. He is getting bigger.
(4) Porter tells us that he is allergic to foods that he doesn't like. So far, he is allergic to: all vegetables, especially carrots, peas, broccoli, tomatoes and celery; eggs; corn bread; meatballs; potatoes; tuna fish; oatmeal; garlic bread; pickles; chicken noodle soup and chicken and dumpling soup (but not tomato soup); and pasta (but not the kind that is in macaroni and cheese). I can't imagine how he survives with such severe food restrictions. Probably the same way his dad manages to survives on such a limited diet.