marriage

On Saturday I went to a good friend's wedding. It is her second marriage (and his as well). Between them, they have five kids, all very young. As I was watching my friend's daughter during the wedding, I kept thinking what a bittersweet event the wedding was. I am happy that my friend has found a new companion and I am not passing judgment on her reasons for divorcing. I know that she had good reasons for ending her first marriage to her children's father and, though I don't know her new husband well, I am certain he had good reasons for divorcing too. But still, it makes me sad. Having become friends with my friend while she married to her first husband and having been friends with him as well, I kept thinking about much better it could have been for all involved if the first marriage had worked. I was sad for my friend's ex-husband as I watched my friend remarry. I thought about how his bad decisions had cost him this family that he loved so dearly. I know that he misses his wife and children and had hoped to reconcile, but she has moved on. Another man will spend Christmas with his family. Another man will discipline his children, will comfort them when they are sad, and will build a life with their mother. Mostly, I was sad for my friend's children. I'm sure their new stepdad is a good person who will be kind to them and love them, but he is not their dad. They will live an even more divided life than they had before. Now they not only divide their time between homes, but they divide their loyalities between two family. And most importantly, they are not part of a family that is sealed.

I know there is no easy answer to this. I didn't expect my friend to stay in a marriage where her husband was making poor decisions that would negatively impact them. I want my friend to be happy and hope this marriage is long and happy for her. I know there are many marriages that are bad and in some cases, couples truely are better off without each other. Certainly I would never want someone to stay in a situtation where they were being abused, physically or mentally. But, I know that divorce is also oftentimes a terrible solution as well. I was thinking specifically of the Tiger Woods situation. Obviously, I don't know him and don't the truth of the situation, but it does seem that he dealt with his wife and family very callously. I was listening to an NPR show the other day about infidelity and one of the segements was about wedding announcements. It discussed how so many wedding announcements allude to the fact that the couple had an affair before marrying. The couples act like their former spouses were simply roadblocks or something to the couple finding each other. I just wish that first marriages could be valued more in our society. That there wasn't almost and expectation that marriages won't last. I also wish that people took more responsibility for their actions. Instead of acting like they were compelled to start drinking, that they met their sole mate and couldn't resist having an affair, that they fell out of love with their spouse, etc., that people would accept that they are responsible for the situation that they find themselves in. That they could have acted differently. That they made a choice. Okay, I will come off my soap box. I just wish that families could stay together and be happy. That kids never had to face divorce or even parents that treat each other unkindly.